someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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