"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
