Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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