end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
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Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
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Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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