Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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