i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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