So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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