dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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