So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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