i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
