I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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