And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
