i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
