Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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