nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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