She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
