i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
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This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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