Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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