and next time when you feel me up, do it right
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
