i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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