so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
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Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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