SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
