I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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