You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
