someone threw a dead crab at me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize