I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
