Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
