i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
