Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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