i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
