I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
