Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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