i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
