your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
