I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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