my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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