mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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