hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
