it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
