I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
