I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
