Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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