Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
