we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
