Jerry, you need to find god
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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