Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
