did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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