I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
