Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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