You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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