There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
