3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
it's great music for shaving your balls
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
