let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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