i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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