wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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