i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just threw up on my dentist
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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