i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
