Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
