The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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