OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i dont even know how to be here
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
