cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
