Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
